btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
