I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
