i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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