This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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