My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
