I just saw a hot homeless man
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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