My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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