he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
