I wish my penis had an off switch
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
