Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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