I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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