woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
not ubering you a puppy
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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