Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
