I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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