the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
