What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize