I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
