i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
