If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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