Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
