I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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