So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
