My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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