Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
