I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
