ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
