I puked a lego.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
