I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize