hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
