My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
