My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
