I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
