i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
