I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
