listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
