I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
