First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
