I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
