How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
