His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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