i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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