you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
