remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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