The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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