this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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