Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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