I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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