My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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