I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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