You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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