I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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