There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
