It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
cat food counts as protein by the way
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
