The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
