When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
