There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize